I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
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I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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