After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am available for nakedness
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
