im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
