just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
