omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
