he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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