I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
