apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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