before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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