fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
