Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
