if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Farmville is her only friend.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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