Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
