i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
