I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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