She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
