sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
