If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
