My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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