You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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