Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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