Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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