My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Be still, my beating vagina.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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