I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
