Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
