I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
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My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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