I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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