i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
