i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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