And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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