I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
