my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
