Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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