dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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