I accidentally had phone sex last night
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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