I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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