wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If its not for food we ain't going out.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
