I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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