Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
