I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's shark week go big or go home
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
