i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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