I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
