In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
