I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
