Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
