why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
