Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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