The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
