everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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