Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Two words: nipple clamps
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