Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
