hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i've created a new STD.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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