I could make wine with my vomit
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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