Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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