she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
