Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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