she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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