party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
